The One Wing to Rule Them All
by tfa1
Summary: Insanity abounds in this Lord of the Rings FF7 crossover. Please fasten your seatbelts around your brains, lest you lose your mind as I have lost mine.
1. A Summary of the War

**Disclaimer**: Final Fantasy 7, the Lord of the Rings, Lego blocks, and all their associated characters, locations, etc… are property of their respective owners. The demented mind of tfa1, however, is my property.

**Author's Note**: Although this was originally intended to be a one-shot, the story grew on me after a while and I decided to expand the 'One Wing' world with various "excerpts" from various fictional sources. These "excerpts" are in no particular order and have no particular purpose, but I hope you enjoy them. I know I enjoyed writing them.

**The One Wing to Rule Them All  
****By tfa1**

**Contained herein is a Summary of the War of the One Wing, as told from the Perspective of Bugendalf the Blue:**

In the lands of Planet Earth, legend tells of the Dark Lord Sephiron and of the One Wing that would give him the power to destroy the world:

_One Wing to rule them all; One Wing to lead them;  
__One Wing to fly around and with roast beef pummel them_.

Into his One Wing Sephiron poured all of his cruelty; his malice. An object of great and terrible power, Sephiron needed only this Wing to cover all the lands with Meteor. Lost for centuries, it was found, and had made its way into the hands of the most unlikely person imaginable: Cloudo Striffins.

Cloudo is of a species not completely unlike Men, but far more common and mindless, known as Iddiots. I, Bugendalf the Blue, tasked him with making his way to Mount Crater, deep within the dark land of Poledor. In the Lifestream of Mount Crater was the One Wing made; only there could it be unmade. I knew it would not be an easy journey, but it had to be completed nonetheless.

"Bugendalf!" cried he.

I graciously hugged the little Iddiot, "It is good to see you, Cloudo."

"Are you going to show us some fireworks, Bugendalf?"

"No, I'm afraid I can't today. The One Wing _must _be destroyed!"

A voice came from behind the window. It was Cloudo's childhood friend and gardener, Tifawise Locky. "Are we going on a trip, Bugendalf?"

"Yes. We must make our way to Poledor, and cast the Wing into the Lifestream of Mount Crater. I have arranged for numerous companions to accompany you on your journey."

"Will you be coming with us, Bugendalf?" asked the blonde Iddiot Cloudo.

"I'm afraid I can't, Cloudo," I replied. "I must speak with the head of my council, Shinraman, and ask him what he knows of this. Farewell, Iddiots!"

And with that I set of for Midgard, the fortress of Shinraman. Cloudo and Tifawise travelled to the small town of Flee, where they met one of my associates.

"Who are you?" Cloudo asked her.

"I am called Stranger," the woman actually named Aerigorn replied. "We must make haste to Gongadell, where good friends await us."

"But I don't have any good friends!" Cloudo protested as Tifawise nodded in agreement.

"It doesn't matter. I am queen of Cetrador and I order you to come with me!"

And so they set off towards Gongadell, while I meanwhile found myself betrayed by Shinraman. He wanted the One Wing for himself and was preparing an army against the nearby nation of Chocoban, a noble nation of Chocobo tamers. I found myself a taxi, named Shadowtaxi, and sped off towards the capital city of Chocoban, Wutaras.

Meanwhile, the Iddiots had arrived at Gongadell and were treated to a great feast in Elzack's house. There they met new allies: Barli the Dwarf, Legovince the Lego Elf, and Burycid, a noble of Cetrador. They set off towards the Mythril Mines near Midgard, but they got lost and ended up in Cosmofang Forest.

All was not well, however, and I soon found myself face-to-face with the king of Chocoban: the noble Gododen. Much to my dismay, he was under the influence of alcohol, given to him by Shinraman's most devious spy, Cait the Cattongue. As if our past history (which I will not discuss at the moment) wasn't enough, he was now slurring his words and became even more difficult to talk to.

"Forshnen horg ibin nag borgen," King Gododen told me.

Lady Yuffowyn, the daughter, managed to translate. "Gododen King says that you're not welcome here, Bugendalf."

"Then tell him," I said, "that Sephiron will soon attack Chocoban. The Enemy has many spies; clones, copies… Chocoban will not be able to stand against him."

"Forshnen forshnen harg nog borgen."

"He says that the might of Chocoban is very great, because Chocobos are very great, and that no one, not even you, Bugendalf, will defeat our great nation of greatness."

"Orgen."

"Oh, and he says all your materia belongs to us now."

I screamed a most deafening scream. Materia was where all my power lay; I wasn't about to give it up so easily. In a major plot twist, I transformed into the Witch King and slew Gododen. Everyone flew before my might, and I pursued them to Johnny's Depp, the great fortress whose history is too complicated to discuss at length here.

Anyways, Shinraman's forces were out for a stroll that day and, seeing a massive flood of Chocoban people amassing so close to Midgard, assumed that they were preparing to attack. Having prepared for an attack also, Shinraman was insulted that the gentle Chocoban people would amass an attack after he had so meticulously prepared to catch them by surprise.

He sent his army to attack the fortress deep within Johnny's Depp: the Hornyburg. It was only by my own bloodlust that the Chocobans survived the fight, but I was still intent on terminating their pitiful existences and so I pursued them further to the Big City of Cetrador: Minced Teeth.

During the Battle of the Hornyburg, my Iddiot friends and their companions attacked Shinraman's fortress at Midgard. Aided by a miniscule race of insects called Ants, the group was sadly defeated as the leader of the Ants, Redbeard, could not extinguish the flame on his buttocks, causing his unfortunate moment of flatulence to decimate the majority of his Ant army.

Coincidentally, they fled also to Minced Teeth, where a great battle had erupted. The Chocobans had fled inside the city, and so I declared war on said city and summoned the army of Sephiron to aid me.

It was a great battle full of explosions and blood and gore and kittens and all manner of things that make me say "Woo hoo!" The newly-arrived Burycid cursed as an arrow pierced his heart, but he continued to fight, revealing that his heart was so callous that no arrow could stop it.

It was not long before the Dark Lord Sephiron himself joined the fight.

"You will all fall before me," he yelled, "for my sword is long and pointy! Soon the One Wing will belong to me again!"

Another arrow struck the great Burycid, but he would not be felled. "Heroes," he said, "always have enough time to make a speech before they die. I am not going to make a speech and so I will live forever! We will all live forever! The glory of Cetrador shall not falter, for we are a strong people! Our nation will persevere for all eternity and cast down the Shadow of the Enemy! There is a weapon among us, more powerful than anything Sephiron possesses! It is the One Wing; we have it, and it shall be utilized to great effect! We shall slay the Dark Lord with his own weapon!"

His speech finished, Burycid reached for the One Wing but died of asphyxiation. Cloudo valiantly left the safety of the city walls in order to hold off the invaders, not realizing that he was the one needing the most protection. I swooped in on a floating ball and stole the One Wing.

"It's mine!" I cried. "Now all shall bow before Bugendalf, the Witch King!"

Redbeard the Ant eyed me suspiciously. "I thought only women could be witches. Wouldn't it be more accurate to call yourself the Wizard King, or perhaps the Warlock King?"

"The Witch King does not trifle with names," I told the Ant while placing the Wing upon my back. "My name is the Witch King and you will call me the Witch King or die a most painful death!"

Finally I spotted Yuffowyn running out of the gates of Minced Teeth brandishing a strange weapon. "You killed my father!" she screamed.

I dropped down to the ground and spoke very calmly. "No, Yuffowyn. _I_ am your father."

"That's not true! THAT'S NOT TRUE!! King Gododen is my father!"

"No; King Gododen was not what you thought him to be. He was once Queen Gododa, my wife. He was your mother."

My daughter collapsed to the ground in horror. "But then… that makes you King of Chocoban…"

"Hmmm… that's very true. Chocobans! As your king I order you to betray Cetrador and slay all within Minced Teeth!"

Yuffowyn would not obey my orders; on account of she hated me for abandoning her. "I'll kill you!"

True to word, she killed me, and then she crowned herself queen of the Chocobans. She ordered them all to return to attacking the vast armies of Poledor, but most of them got confused and did nothing. Fortunately for them, the copies of Sephiron – or in other words, his entire army – were a mindless bunch of useless cretins. I had done most of the work, and now with my body slain the armies of Sephiron were fighting a losing battle – until the Dark Lord tore the One Wing off of my back and transformed into Safe Sephiron.

Safe Sephiron was safe for children aged 0-7, but anyone over (or under) the age limit was not to be spared. He single-handedly destroyed the gates of Minced Teeth and proceeded to slaughter everyone within. He even went so far as to send a meteor crashing into the Sun in the hopes that it would cause a supernova, but the meteor was incinerated and Safe Sephiron looked like a fool.

In a fit of rage he killed Aerigorn (who foolishly made a speech), but Cloudo dropped 99 tissues and pressed Circle, X, Triangle, X, Up, Down, 6, Square, Square, Square Enix, Triangle, Circle, X, X, X, Left, Right, Up, X on his PlaystationTM controller while holding down R2, R1, L2, L1, Circle, and Square, which resulted in the queen's revival. Fortunately, the resurrection spell is indiscriminate, and so I was resurrected again too along with Burycid.

However, we were all resurrected with our wounds still intact and died shortly after making speeches about how happy we were to be returned to the land of the living.

Eventually Barli grew tired of wielding a melee weapon and decided to switch to a machine gun. He mowed down the armies of Poledor, leaving the Dark Lord Safe Sephiron to fight alone. Legovince, trying to outperform Barli, began doing impressive acrobatics but sadly twisted his ankle and was carried off the battlefield.

Exhausted and having lost his long, pointy sword, the Dark Lord decided to retreat and returned to his base of operations in Mount Crater. While attempting Legovince's acrobatics for whatever strange reason, Safe Sephiron twisted his ankle and fell into the Lifestream, destroying the One Wing and ending the strife of Planet Earth.

For destroying the Wing, the Dark Lord Sephiron was declared the greatest hero of Planet Earth.


	2. A Day in Moronton

**Disclaimer**: Final Fantasy 7, the Lord of the Rings, Lego blocks, and all their associated characters, locations, etc… are property of their respective owners. The demented mind of tfa1, however, is my property.

**Author's Note**: Those who didn't know I was crazy before will know so now.

**The One Wing to Rule Them All  
****By tfa1**

_Dear readers,_

_By now you will have already heard the tale of the One Wing, and how our greatest hero, the Dark Lord Sephiron, summoned his great army and attempted to destroy our world. You will also have heard of Bugendalf the Blue, the vile villain who, while he lived, attempted to keep the One Wing away from our Dark Hero and save us all, but in doing so he nearly destroyed us. It was by his own villainy that he was transformed into that most disgusting creature, the Witch King, whose name alone is blatantly idiotic._

_Regardless, countless scholars have worked tirelessly for many milliseconds recording everything they possibly can about the villainous Bugendalf. And so it is with great joy and disdain that we present to you this rare archaeological find: an entry from Bugendalf's journal, written during his stay at Moronton, the capital city of the Iddiot nation. I caution you greatly, for following this letter you will find the words of He Who Must Not Be Named; the great beast, Bugendalf._

_Acrobat-in-Training  
__Legovince the Lego Elf_

**Contained herein is an Excerpt from the Journal of Bugendalf the Blue:  
**_**Entry: A Day in Moronton**_

Dear Diary… I mean, Memoir,

I am writing to you from a very close location: you're location, in fact! Today I find myself in Moronton, and I can feel the brilliance of my brilliant mind leaking out with each passing day. This land is a vortex of complete stupidity – I do not know how long I will last in this senseless land.

Anyways, in my brilliance, I have devised a most excellent method for writing entries from now on. To save space, I have endeavoured to replace long, repeated sentences, with much shorter, more sensibler, phrases. In a few cases I have also replaced words that were said with what should have been said. These Iddiots do not know how to speak goodly.

Listed below are the phrases I've used, followed by the sentences they represent. All entries within my writing will be found in **bold** if I have replaced the original with something else. For example, if I wanted to replace "Cloudo is very smart" with "What a fool," then instead of writing "That's very interesting. Cloudo is very smart," I shall write "That's very interesting. **What a fool**!" Needless to say, it isn't hard to understand.

**Hey, Baby** means "Greetings, Tifawise. It is good to see you again."  
**BuBuBuBuBu** means "Bugendalf! Bugendalf! Bugendalf! Bugendalf! Bugendalf!" (Cloudo has an annoying habit of repeating my name like this whenever he gets excited)  
**Shut up, you vile toad** means "Yes, yes; that's wonderful, Cloudo. That's positively wonderful."  
**Yes, to Poledor** means "Yes, Tifawise. You and Cloudo must make your way to Poledor, and cast the One Wing into the Lifestream of Mount Crater."  
**Ha hah, stupid!** mean "Oh dear; Cloudo has hurt his head again."  
**You girl, get ice!!** means "Tifawise, please get some ice for Cloudo's aching head."  
**Butt** means "Father" (used only in reference to Cloudo's father Bobo, son of Dodo)  
**Screw you all! Ha hah ha hah ha hah ha hah!!!** means "Farewell, fair Iddiots! Until we meet again!"

And now we may begin…

By now you will have already heard of the War of the One Wing and of my inevitable victory over the Dark Lord Sephiron. And thus, it only makes sense that you would know who I am to. Knowing that, allow me to introduce myself: I am Bugendalf the Blue, greatest wizard of them all, whose name alone strikes fear into the hearts of my enemies and rolls off the tongue like a mountain off a boulder, or something to that effect.

But doubtless you haven't heard about how it all began? How did I, the great Bugendalf, start on the journey that would see me crowned greatest hero of Planet Earth and King of all Chocoban? It all started here, in Moronton, home of the Iddiots.

If there is one thing more common than common sense, it is complete and utter stupidity. Wherever you go, whatever you do, you are bound to run into an Iddiot sooner or later, because their stupidity makes them immune to all matters of the mind, especially navigation. They have wound up at all four corners of the globe simply because they didn't know how the hell to find where they were going. Why, then, do I call Moronton the home of the Iddiots?

This is the birthplace of stupidity, a swirling vortex of nothingness that absorbs mind power and converts it into what seems to be an endless swarm of Iddiot children. I knew coming here would be a mind-numbing thing to do, but this is where I found the One Wing. And here the barkeepers are so stupid you can convince them that all booze is on the house. Oh, don't get me wrong, they're too stupid to make good beer, so don't come here just for that. (Note to self: I lied. Ha hah! More for me!)

Upon my arrival I was reunited with the most contemptuously stupid Iddiot the world has ever known: Cloudo Striffins, son of **Butt**.

Moving on, I said hello, as is customary. I graciously hugged him, resisting the urge to rip my own face in two with… errrr… with a smile of joy. "It is good to see you, Cloudo."

"**BuBuBuBuBu!**" Cloudo cried out. "**BuBuBuBuBu!** I told them you'd come, but they didn't believe me. I sure proved them wrong, didn't I, Bugendalf? Are you going to show us some fireworks, Bugendalf?"

Hearing the Iddiot say those words made me want to smack his puny little brains out… and by that I mean he brought great joy to my heart. He was truly happy to see me. I managed to let out a grunt that didn't come off as _too_ annoyed. Cloudo was too stupid to have known I hated him anyways. "I apologize, Cloudo. I'm afraid I can't show you fireworks today. I have a busy schedule to keep."

"**BuBuBuBuBu!** Come, come! I have to show my **Butt**! I have to show my **Butt**! Finally, I was right and he was wrong, Bugendalf! **BuBuBuBuBu**! I was right, Bugendalf! Maybe he'll let you keep your busy schedule in his safety deposit box!"

"**Shut up, you vile toad**," I replied lovingly, "But, there really are more important matters at hand. Remember that wing you found lying in the garden?" Before I could garner an answer from him the little worm had gone into an all-out sprint for the door of his house. I followed him, most joyously aggravated.

At last we arrived at his house: a hole dug in the ground with a circular door (I told you they were stupid). There, looking most comfortable, was Cloudo's **Butt **seated in his usual chair. Cloudo hopped over and began running his fingers through his **Butt's** hair. "Look, my **Butt**, it's Bugendalf! **BuBuBuBuBu**! I told you he'd come!"

"Cloudo, I really must be leaving…," I said to him; my pleas falling on deaf ears. "The One Wing of Sephiron _must_ be destroyed!"

Just then Cloudo's good friend and gardener, Tifawise Locky the village celebrity, sprung up from behind the window. If you knew Tifawise, you'd know why she was the village celebrity. For those not in the know, let's just say that she had a couple of (as in two) very good reasons. "**Hey, Baby**," I greeted."

"Are we going on a trip, Bugendalf?" she asked.

"**Yes, to Poledor**. I will not be able to come with you, as I'm very busy, but I have arranged for numerous companions to join you on your journey."

"Will you coming with us, Bugendalf?" Cloudo asked, still caressing his **Butt**.

"No, I'm very busy, Cloudo. I must speak with the head of my council, Shinraman, and ask what he knows of this." As Cloudo's **Butt** turned in his seat to look at me as I spoke, Cloudo's fingers got tangled in his hair and the idiotic Iddiot fell and hurt his head. "**Ha hah, stupid**!" I yelled. "**You girl, get ice!!**"

"Oh no, Cloudo!" Tifawise called out. "Is he hurt?"

"Yes! Didn't you hear me when I said '**Ha hah, stupid**!'? Now, **you girl, get ice!!**"

"Maybe I should get some ice!"

If I didn't admire Tifawise's gifted celebrity status so much, I would have knocked some sense into the Iddiot; physically. Now, please don't misunderstand! It's not that I enjoy hurting people! I assure you I am a fully respectable citizen of Planet Earth. Sure, there may have been a few firecrackers paired with squirrel rectums, but I'm really a nice guy. Hmmm… that reminds me. (Note to self: Get my Dark Lord mask polished. It's for role-play, honest!)

Moving on, Tifawise soon returned carrying a Popsicle. "**You girl, get _ice_,**" I repeated, "_That_ is a Popsicle!"

"But this is cold! Ice is cold, right?"

I shook my head in shame, not realizing that Tifawise would interpret that movement to mean that ice isn't cold. She came back, brandishing one of the ABC blocks babies play with. "That's… not… ice…" I said, stating what was, to me, perfectly obvious.

"Oh… right…"

Already I began to experience the mind-numbing sensation associated with life in Moronton, and decided it was time to leave. Allowing Cloudo to kiss his **Butt** one last time, I kidnapped the both of them and fled towards Flee, the town where fleers flee to find refuge. I had arranged for the queen of Cetrador to come pick up the Iddiots there while I moved on to more important matters.

But, I did not leave without saying goodbye, as it would have been rude to do so. "**Screw you all! Ha hah ha hah ha hah ha hah!!!**" I screamed at the top of my lungs to Cloudo's Iddiot town.

And that is how our journey began.


	3. Of the Species of Planet Earth

**Disclaimer**: Final Fantasy 7, the Lord of the Rings, Lego blocks, and all their associated characters, locations, etc… are property of their respective owners. The demented mind of tfa1, however, is my property.

**Author's Note**: This chapter is short, but I thought I'd more thoroughly introduce you to the creatures of Planet Earth.

**The One Wing to Rule Them All**

**By tfa1**

**Contained herein is an Excerpt from the Encyclopaedia Foolproofium:  
**_**Of the Species of Planet Earth**_

_Of the Stupidius Maximus (a.k.a. Iddiot):_

The Stupidius Maximus, called Iddiots by most civilized nations, are a race of moronic humans so common that if you don't know what they are by now, you probably are one.

Nothing will be said of Iddiot appearance, culture, etc… in this respectable encyclopaedia for one very important reason: no one cares. There is no demand for information on the Iddiots because 1) anyone with a respectable brain capacity hates their guts, 2) Iddiots demonstrate an obvious inability to process information of any sort, and 3) anything with a less than respectable brain capacity is either an Iddiot or an inanimate object. The matter of which of those two has more brain capacity is currently under debate.

_Of the Smalliust Insectius (a.k.a. Ant):_

The Smalliust Insectius, commonly referred to as Ants, are a species of tiny creatures inhabiting the Cosmofang Forest, which borders the nation of Chocoban. Instead of building houses like common humans, Ants are known to tunnel deep into the ground where they live without any furniture of any kind. These tunnels, collectively known as Ant Hills, are where baby Ants are born from the womb of the Ant Queen.

While the Ant Queen is the political leader of these tiny creatures, her power is miniscule compared to that of the spiritual leader. A genetic defect in certain Ants has been known to create an eternal flame that rests upon the Ant's buttocks. This flame, which cannot be extinguished, is fuelled by the constant, steady stream of expelled methane gas from the rectum (colloquially called 'farts'). Although the amount of gas expelled is rarely enough to cause serious harm, rare farts throughout Ant history have resulted in mass destruction and the near-extinction of the Ant race. For this reason, those Ants with flames upon their rears are worshipped as reincarnations of a tyrant god, known as the "Burning Buttocks."

_Of the Overlius Expensivetoyus (a.k.a. Lego Elf):_

The Overlius Expensivetoyus, or Lego Elf, is a being similar in shape to human beings, but far from similar in texture. While humans are made of flesh and bone, many scholars attest to the fact that Lego Elves are made of plastic. Said to be the animated remains of an archaic toy, the matter of whether Lego Elves are living beings or otherwise nonliving is still under debate. Some unique features of the Lego Elf are his bright yellow skin, removable head and hands, as well as the strange circle atop his head, used to hold hats and hair (also removable) in place.

Being the most skilled species with plastics due to their nature, Lego Elves are known the world over for their toy-making skills and strangely excellent acrobatic feats. Indeed, Lego Elves excel at performing acrobatics, resulting in the envy of their softer biological counterparts (known to the Lego Elves as "fleshies"). These block-men have been seen doing the splits whilst many fleshies cannot touch their own toes. However, much training is involved in becoming an acrobat of such skill as the most revered Lego Elves, and failure to understand the safety regulations can result in twisted ankles, broken fingers, humiliation, gingivitis, and death.

Lego Elves are also skilled in using bows and arrows, as well as caring for nature and for… well, to be honest, Lego Elves excel at everything except reproduction. Fleshies have used this tendency to excel as proof that the Lego Elves are too perfect to be living creatures; whilst others say they're a testament to the ability of life to become perfect. It's really a confusing a debate and there is not enough room here to elaborate. (See Appendix A: Of the Nature of Life, page 9563651398, paragraph 600, lines 1-2 for more details)

_Of the Hairius Coverallus (a.k.a. Dwarf):_

The Hairus Coverallus is a species of vertically-challenged humanoid (hence their more commonly used name: Dwarf) well-noted for being completely covered in hair. The Coverallus prefers to make his structures underground, far from the surface world where Iddiots dwell and commoners ask what female Dwarves look like. Worth noting is that universal hostility to that very question has led many prominent scholars to suspect that Dwarven women do not exist, and thereby declaring the Hairius Coverallus to be an androgynous race.

An alternate theory suggests that all Dwarven men are, in actuality, Dwarven women; pointing out the species-wide attraction to gemstones, jewellery, and the construction of vast underground shopping malls. Indeed, reports across Planet Earth have identified the Coverallus as the source of the question, "Do you think these pants make me look short"; which any self-respecting male knows to be a ludicrous question that, when answered honestly, results in the Coverallus having a tantrum, and, when answered deceptively, results in mistrust developing between the responder and the Coverallus. In addition to this double-edged sword of a question, the Dwarf is also famed for creating the double-bladed axe, the double-bladed butter knife, and the double-bladed kewpie doll.

_Of the Conquerus DaWorldus (a.k.a. Stereotypical Villain):_

The Conquerus DaWorldus (commonly called the Stereotypical Villain or "Stevie" for short) is a race of malevolent being that every fantastical story seems to contain. Commonly employing numerous unskilled, uneducated, worthless sacks of ooze as henchmen, the average Stevie generally doesn't understand the saying "If you want something done right, do it yourself." Progressively sending enemies whose skill increases in a linear fashion, many Stevies inadvertently provide free training to would-be heroes who later destroy said Stevie. Coming in varieties ranging from the highly egotistical to extremely manipulative, Stevies are rarely brilliant enough to realize that sending in the elite troops first to make quick work of the would-be heroes is the best course of action.

Stevies are frequently human in form and carry a compulsive preference for the colour black. Graced with black skin, black cloaks, and/or black armour, the fortress of a Stevie is regularly located in a remote, middle-of-nowhere, greyish/blackish area where food is scarce. In fact, because life of any kind is so scarce in a Stevie's lair, the predominant belief among scholars is that Stevies are cannibals by nature. This might explain why villains never seem to have a (living) heir.

How often and in what location Stevies use the bathroom is currently unknown.


End file.
